There is no such thing as boarding group nine

I am standing at gate B14 and the agent has just called boarding group nine. Nine. When I started flying for work there were two groups: people who needed extra time, and everybody else. Then there were four. Then there were zones, then there were groups and zones, and now there is a group for people who own the credit card and a separate group for people who own the more expensive credit card.

Meanwhile forty adults are standing in a semicircle around the podium, blocking the lane, because every single one of them believes that being physically near the door will make group seven arrive sooner. It will not. The plane leaves at the same time for all of us. I know this because I have done it three hundred times.

Stand back. Sit down. Your group will be called. Probably. Eventually. After group eight.